How to Stop Judging Yourself: Could Curiosity Help You Break the Pattern?

“There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.” — William Shakespeare, Hamlet

How many times have you heard or seen that quote? Have you ever thought about what it really means? If you haven’t thought about it before, I see it as a powerful doorway into a fascinating topic that impacts a lot of us.

We are going to be looking at self-judgment, the difference between judgment and discernment, and how becoming more curious about your experiences might help you break patterns of self-criticism.

Judgment versus discernment

Let’s start by looking at the meaning of these two words. They serve a similar purpose: to try and understand the world around us so that we can act – or react – in ways that will help us.

In both instances, we use our knowledge – or what we believe we know – to determine whether a thing is positive or negative. Will it help us or harm us?

However, judgment is a decision about whether a thing is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ or neither.

Discernment is the ability to judge well. So, let me try and explain that.

What is good and bad?

Let’s start by going back to the quote I used to head this article. To put it back into context, it comes from a passage in which Hamlet and Rosencrantz are discussing the country, Denmark. Hamlet hates the country, Rosencrantz disagrees. Both are talking about the same thing, yet each sees it through a completely different lens.

So, which of them is right? Both of them, and neither of them.

What does ‘good’ or ‘bad’ mean?

Is Denmark a ‘good’ place to take a holiday? Well, that totally depends on what you want from your holiday. If you love the stories of Hans Christian Andersen, then Denmark might be a great place to visit because it is his birthplace.

So, you cannot say that the country as a whole is one thing or the other. You can drill down and label individual things, but again, these things are only benefits or drawbacks depending on the viewer’s perspective.

And of course, your perspective of something is going to change over time.

Something that feels like the worst thing that could possibly have happened to you today might eventually lead you towards something you could never have anticipated. Equally, something that initially seems like wonderful news might ultimately take you somewhere you wish you hadn’t gone.

The point isn’t to persuade ourselves that painful experiences are secretly “good”. It is simply to recognise that the labels we place upon our experiences are interpretations – and those interpretations may change as we gain more information.

So, why is it helpful to set your judgment aside and how can you do that?

Why do we make judgments and how do they relate to discernment?

As I said at the start, we make judgments in order to understand the world around us, so that we can navigate it better.

Judgments are both necessary and useful: It is necessary to appreciate that cutting your finger off is going to hurt, and also deprive you of a useful part of your body. So, that is definitely ‘bad’, right?

Yes, but only if the finger is healthy. If the tip of your finger has untreatable gangrene which is likely to spread to the rest of your body and kill you, then cutting your finger off is still going to hurt, and still going to deprive you of a useful part of your body. But it is also going to save your life, which is a ‘good’ thing.

So, as you see, judging something is a useful skill, but only if you are judging it from a place of knowledge and understanding. Then, you are judging it well, or rather, exercising discernment.

How do we make judgments?

I have just said that we make judgments based on our knowledge and interpretation of that knowledge. So, where does our knowledge and understanding come from?

The answer is the things we experience for ourselves and the things others tell us, based on their experience. So, the next useful question is, how do you know that this experience is reliable?

Well, that is really the big question. A lot of times that experience is not reliable. Or, perhaps it is reliable in a specific set of circumstances, but the circumstances you are judging today are not the same, so the experience does not apply in the same way. And this becomes particularly interesting when the person we are judging is ourselves.

Self-judgment and the stress that it creates

More than likely, reading this article has already sent your mind down a rabbit hole.

Things can be good, or bad, or neither. The criteria by which you judge this can be flawed. How do you know if you are judging or discerning?

That is a lot to think about.

For many of us, part of the reason we become so accustomed to analysing and judging everything may lie in our past experiences. Perhaps this reflects a strict upbringing in which our ability to get things ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ had a direct impact on our physical or emotional safety.

But most likely you do not see it that way. So, what starts out as a sensible assessment of a situation can quickly escalate into a very destructive pattern of self-judgment.

Perhaps you already know that. Perhaps you see it in yourself. Or perhaps you have no idea what this means. So, let me give you an example.

Imagine you decide to try something new because you hope it will help you solve a problem you have been experiencing.

You have researched it, it appears to have helped other people, and you have good reason to believe it might help you too. So, this sounds like a ‘good’ plan.

You follow the instructions. You wait expectantly, carefully monitoring what happens, and expecting an improvement.

But nothing changes. So, is this the conversation that then takes place in your head?

“Well, that hasn’t worked! I thought this was supposed to be good for me, supposed to help me. I’ve done exactly what I was told and I’m not seeing any difference. So, that was a waste of time and money. I’m such an idiot for believing this could work. I’ve been conned again. Nobody knows how to help me. This is a disaster! Nothing is ever going to change!”

Can you see how many judgments are mixed up in that thought process?

First, judgment of the thing you tried has moved from being ‘good’ to ‘bad’. The reality is, it did not provide the outcome you expected in the timeframe for which you hoped. That could be ‘good’ or ‘bad’ or neither.

But the judgment does not stop there. From judging the experience, you move to judging yourself. Where does that come from?

If something did not provide the outcome you expected, how are you involved in that, in all honesty? And, why are you seeing yourself as ‘bad’ when you simply made a decision based upon the information available to you at the time?

Then, there is the judgment of your future: “Nothing is ever going to change.”

And notice what has happened. A piece of information – “this didn’t produce the result I hoped for” – has become an entire story about you, your choices and your future.

What if, instead of that very judgmental internal conversation, you held the following conversation:

“OK, so this isn’t what I was expecting to happen, but it has. What information does that give me? What options are available to try next?”

Can you notice how this is totally without judgment? It is a statement of the event, and a willingness to see what happens next. This is simply information.

Yes, this is not the outcome for which you hoped. It is ‘bad’ in the sense that it did not produce the result you wanted. But it is also ‘good’ in the sense that it gave you some more information. If you use that wisely, maybe it tells you something.

How can you stop judging yourself?

Either way, I hope you can see that there is a difference in the paths I have outlined.

Returning to where I began, it is also perfectly normal and natural to be taking the first path…even when you know it does not help.

The entire concept of judgment may be an area that needs healing. And perhaps “How do I stop judging myself?” isn’t even quite the right question. Trying to force yourself to stop judging can very easily become another judgment: “I’m doing it again. I shouldn’t be doing this.”

A large part of healing this judgmental type of response will lie in healing the “computer programs” (internal belief systems) that currently have “errors” (unhelpful or trauma patterns).

The first step you can take in healing anything is to notice that it exists. So, from the perspective of a curious, non-judgmental observer, take a look at how you react to the things that happen in your life. Can you see a lot of negative judgment? If you can, this doesn’t mean anything ‘good’ or ‘bad’. It just ‘is’. So, do not start labelling any of the behaviour that you observe. All you need to do is be aware.

Every time you catch yourself starting down the road of judgment, just notice it happening. The simple act of saying, “oh, I’m doing that again,” is enough to interrupt the pattern.

Each time you interrupt it, there is an opportunity to take a different path. Know that you will likely keep on taking the same path at first, but that is also neither ‘good’ nor ‘bad’. Over time, it may change, and you can simply observe that as well.

You may also want to spend some time observing your own patterns of judgment, through journaling, or even just thinking with more awareness. And if you find it difficult to do this (which is common for many of us), then the Complete Kolorlan System is here to guide you gently to greater mindfulness and offer opportunities to learn how to just notice.

The invitation to simply notice is not so that you can label what you see, but witnessing your patterns may guide you to particular areas that could benefit from healing. Which, in turn, guides you towards the specific tools that may help you.

What happens if you replace judgment with curiosity?

Which, ironically, brings me right back to my starting point. It is easier to try new ideas and explore new possibilities from a perspective of curiosity than to tie yourself up in knots trying to decide up front whether they are going to be ‘good’ or ‘bad’, or creating judgmental stories about the results when they differ from your expectations. Curiosity leaves room for something you don’t yet know. So, try and apply these ideas of curiosity, rather than judgment, as you move through your life.

Some of the things you encounter are going to trigger a strong positive or negative response, as they challenge, or confirm, your existing knowledge and beliefs. But if you are able to approach them with a spirit of openness, you may learn something that helps you in unexpected ways.

Whereas, if you allow judgment to keep you closed down, you might miss something that could help you. Remember, all of this is a process of learning and evolution.

There is nothing ‘good’ or ‘bad’ about that.